real personal post from concert

this is going to be a personal post so if you don't enjoy metal music or personal life, you're free to leave. i won't judge you, we're cool.

last night 11-29, i went to my 2nd concert in my life: the first being when i was 10-ish and last night, when i went to see GWAR. i do infact like them and how funny they are. it's was a nice concert, the second half.

let me set this scene: i was going with my friend T, who i've known since HS, my other friend B, who i've apparently known since MS, and his friend K. K right from the bat was a very nice person and i don't think he has an ass-hat bone in his body. the other two however are some other story.

when we first arrived there, they immediately went to the bar. i'm ok with this, but to a certain extent. i'm straight edge (no drinking, smoking, or abusing drugs) so i'm not fond of drugs. also i'm very sensitive around the smell of alcohol, it makes me feel sick and like i'm about to get sick (also that day i had recently gotten my monthly woman thing). i was ok with them at the bar, they should enjoy themselves too. i was 5 feet from the bar, a safe distance from the fumes. B came over and we were talking about piercings and upcoming concerts. i turned my head to avoid the smell. i told them nicely that the smell was going to make me sick, so i wanted to keep my distance. they did, for about 5 minutes. then they finished the first round and it was time to go downstairs. american sharks were playing, they weren't bad, sounded more punk than metal. i was hell bent on finding a clear spot near the wall and chilling there. oh no, B had other ideas, like right in the 1st 5 rows of people.

now, this might not bother a lot of people. but i have severe anxiety in crowds of people. i shut down, don't talk, refuse to look at people, almost cry. i can't handle it, i can barely go to walmart or the mall by myself, since i don't like a lot of people. i do like being alone, just not surrounded by groups of people.

now, i stood there and watched the stage trying to toon out to music, trying to ignore the people everywhere. oh, B and T had other ideas. oh, it was mosh pit time. i'm terrified of mosh pits. i've heard horror stories, broken noses, bloody faces, bruises. i get bruises when i accidently hit my leg on the shower door, imagine what a mosh pit could do. due to these two, i almost become part of my 11th circle of hell (10 being speaking in front of people). i stood there with big eyes horrified at the fact i was almost being dragged in. they finally got the hint and dragged me further into the crowd of people towards the stage, away from the pit.

oh it wasn't over, not by a long shot. T and K went to mosh behind us, while B stood next to me. i didn't enjoy this, since within 10 secs, i was sexually harassed and my butt was grabbed. i tried getting out but B refused (didn't get to tell him, since we couldn't hear each other). while in this spot, they started crowd surfing. i was having none of this and trying retreating. brenden decided to go. then the guy starting it grabbed me and tried dragging me up there. i was freaking out, having some strange guy grabbing you, trying to pick you off of the ground. i kept shaking my head no and saying NO very loudly. he tried telling me you're ok and i'll be fine. yes, telling my brain full of anxious thoughts that and i'll get back to you. this happened for 1-2 minutes. i almost broke down. i wanted to curl up in a ball, die and disappear. i was wishing for death, just to get this guy away from me. i felt the tears trying to come through. i was about to cry and it was hard to breathe. B magically showed up and dragged me from that guy, taking me back a few rows. i had completely frozen. my brain shut down. B saw this and took me to the wall.

i felt like i had to pass out. i wanted to stay near the wall until the concert was over. i loved that wall more than ever in that time. B, T and K wanted to know what happened while during their smoke break, and why i freaked out. i told them about being grabbed by one guy and being dragged by another guy. B and T were "we'll handle it." great guys, i so can't wait. they came back after 5 mins, saying they beat the crap out of him and made him cry. awesome guys, still freaking out over here (i was a little grateful, but mostly freaked out). but no it's not over. B once again dragged me to the edge of the crowd and held me there.

i stared at the mosh pit, watching people get thrown around (that looks so much fun, not). that's not exactly what an anxious wants to see, having been almost in one. half way through corrosion of conformity, they decided to let me to go my wall of safety (still loving that wall). i stayed there for the most part, besides being dragged by B into the crowd again multiple times. finally when gwar was about to come on, they left for the spray zone and i had my wall once again (despite being told not to move, i moved). i was prepared for spray-age, but still panicking in my head, i was less concerned with that. i stayed by the wall for the rest of the show, with B, T, and K showing up every couple of minutes. i didn't really talk to B and T, since i was so furious for being dragged and held in a crowd.

have you ever felt so out of place? i felt it. i liked the music, the humor, the darkness and bright lights. but something inside me knew i wasn't meant to be there. i have anxiety in large crowds, which a concert is. i knew this going in but didn't really know how crazy they were. i'm terrified of mosh pits now, terrified of being grabbed and dragged by strangers, and have always been terrified of being in the middle of large groups of people. standing by that wall made me realize i'm not meant to be a concert going. my brain and body can't handle what goes on. it did make me sad, since i like music is a giant part of my life and seeing a live show is awesome (when not being in the middle of it). i accept the fact now that concerts aren't my thing.

i did enjoy the gwar concert part, they were funny and played good music. they even did a tribute to oderus, which was nice. COC wasn't that bad either. i even saw gor-gor, which i did swoon over. i love gor-gor, he's awesome. after that, we went home.

highlights-gor-gor, gwar was funny, nice music, the spot on that wall i didn't stray from

low-lights-K was in the 1st pit for 30 secs and landed on his back so hard he had to go to wall for air, being grabbed my 2 guys, the smell of alcohol

thanks to anyone for reading this. i know i don't write too many personal posts, but i figured i would share a piece of life, even if it did suck kind of. if you don't have anxiety issues, i would suggest you go. if you do, i would suggest wall time.